Do you ever get tired? Not physically tired… not even emotionally tired, really, but just flat out tired deep down in your soul? I do. As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes I get tired of making sure that everyone is happy and getting along, tired of building up the self-esteem of others when my own is flagging, tired of putting my best foot forward, tired of trying to be diplomatic, tired of giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, tired of forgiving without being asked, tired of feeling the emotions of everyone that I love on top of my own, tired of anticipating the consequences of my words and actions, tired of running countless doomsday scenarios through my head, tired of always deferring to the wishes and whims of others, tired of trying to make the lives of others easier, tired of making myself available, tired of listening, tired of explaining, tired of worrying about saying something I shouldn’t, tired of making others look good, tired of wondering whether my missing something when my kids were little is the reason they are having to go through what they are going through now, tired of being so darn tired.
Well, obviously, I’m having one of those days today, and, try as I might, I can’t seem to blink back the tears that keep escaping down my cheeks.
Maybe I’m the only self-righteous one in the bunch, but when I have these days, the temptation for me is to chalk it up to the cost of discipleship, following Christ, doing my Christian duty, but that’s not it at all. No, I feel like this because I’ve been carrying burdens that aren’t mine to bear. Instead of casting all of my care on Him like the Bible tells me to, I’ve been holding on to it all.
Why? I don’t know. Maybe I’m prideful and think I can do it all myself. Maybe I’m just arrogant enough to want the glory that comes with juggling a dozen plates without breaking one. Maybe I’m too vain to admit that I’m not as strong, stable, and sensible as some people might think.
Whatever the case, I realized something today. This holding instead of casting? This self-destructive behavior that I and so many others of my sex routinely engage in? It’s sin. See, instead of recognizing God for Who He is and what He is able to do in my life, instead of humbling myself before Him and giving Him what He alone can handle in obedience, I’ve been standing stiff-necked, refusing to let go, insisting by my actions that I am just as capable of working all things together for my good and His glory as He. I’ve been playing God and ascribing to myself characteristics and worth that I don’t possess. Truth be told, I’ve been engaging in a form self-worship.
Ugh! Now what? Well, I guess it’s time to do some casting. Funny how I have to reach a breaking point before I do the one thing that could have made my day—all of my days—so much better from the start. (By “funny,” I mean really pathetic!) I am thankful for this experience, though, because it has taught me something that many of you have probably known for a long time. Not only is casting your cares on God an acceptable, appropriate, and expected response to His Kingship, but it is also an honest form of worship.
Did you hear that? You can worship and feel better at the same time! What are we waiting for?
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